How Kelly Broke My Heart and Opened a Door

Our path toward cohousing began with a gut punch.

,Kelly said, "My life here is so... so unsatisfying."

That simple statement hit me right in the solar plexus. My whole professional life centers on creating meaningful and purposeful opportunities for others, and here was my beloved wife and co-conspirator revealing to me her awful truth. Despite our solid relationship, the roof over our heads, her engaging job, the abundance of food in the pantry, and the rich content on Netflix, my dear friend was deeply unsatisfied. {gah!}

Once I got my breath back, I asked a few questions to understand the scope and origin of Kelly's dissatisfaction. It turns out that where and how we lived had her feeling isolated, adrift, and disconnected. We, like millions of other people, lived in a single-family home in a suburb of spaced-out properties, cul-de-sacs, and closed garage doors. Although we had a stunning view of the Arizona mountains off our back porch, we hardly ever saw our neighbors, and there were no shops or amenities within walking distance. Every bit of our social and cultural life had to be planned and driven to; there were no spontaneous visits or easy conversations on the sidewalk. 

Kelly's dissatisfaction is shared nation-wide. It is so prevalent that public health experts have dubbed it the Loneliness Epidemic. When humans lack easy, regular, and spontaneous connections with other humans, we are deeply, chronically, and negatively affected. Stress hormones increase, blood pressure rises, we don't sleep as well, and we start to have dark thoughts. (Check out this articles from the New York Times for more detail.)

Unfortunately the "American Dream" of moving out of the urban core into a single-family home with a fence to hide the neighbors turns out to be a nightmare, even for my slightly introverted wife. The design and placement of suburban homes seem purpose-built to create isolation, suspicion of others, and that terrible dissatisfaction. 

Kelly and I had already decided to change where we lived from our spread-out western city to the smaller, more urban Utica, NY (primarily for economic and climate reasons). But this revelation that WE were suffering from the Loneliness Epidemic invigorated a search, not just for a different place but a different way to live. Fortunately, we knew about other options.  We knew about cohousing - intentional community living that combines smaller living quarters with big common spaces and balances privacy with meaningful connection. 

Cohousing community design originated in Denmark in the 1960s in response to the changing social and economic landscape of the country. The idea was to create intentional communities designed specifically to help people live together in a way that fostered community, mutual support, and sustainability.

The first cohousing community was established in Denmark in 1972, and since then, the concept has spread to many other countries, including the United States, Canada, Australia, and much of Europe. The basic idea of cohousing is to create a community of people who share common values and who are committed to working together to create a supportive living environment.

Today, cohousing communities vary widely in their size, design, and approach to living. Some communities are small and focused on particular interests, such as eco-villages or intentional communities based on shared spiritual beliefs. Others are larger and more diverse, with a range of ages, backgrounds, and interests represented within the community.

Here are a few examples of suburban, urban, exurban, and infill cohousing communities in the United States:

1. Muir Commons: Located in Davis, California. in the midst of stereotypical suburban sprawl, Muir Commons was one of the first cohousing communities built in the United States in 1991. The community consists of 26 homes, a common house, and shared gardens.
2. Winslow Cohousing: Winslow Cohousing has a more exurban feel due to it's location on Bainbridge Island, Washington. The community consists of 30 homes and a common house. The community is focused on sustainability and features a rainwater collection system, solar panels, and organic gardens.
3. Jamaica Plain Cohousing: Located in Boston, Massachusetts, Jamaica Plain Cohousing is an example of urban cohousing. It consists of several three-story buildings containing 30 homes, a common house, and shared outdoor spaces. The community is committed to diversity and inclusivity, and features a mix of income levels and cultural backgrounds.
4. Quimper Village: Quimper Village is located in Port Townsend, Washington, and consists of 30 homes and a common house. As an intentional 55+ community, it is designed to be accessible and features universal design elements to enable older people to age in place while remaining connected. 
5. Bristol Village Cohousing: An example of infill cohousing, the residents purchased a number of existing homes in a neighborhood, removed the fencing between them and added new construction to create a "village within a village." 

These are just a few examples of the many cohousing communities that exist in the United States. Each community is unique and reflects the values and priorities of its residents.

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It turns out there aren't any cohousing communities in Utica... yet! There are, however, plenty of underused lots and under-utilized architectural marvels in our chosen city. Kelly and I are committed to spearheading this project, to gather more people who are ready to live more fully, and, together, build a community where no one is lonely or unsatisfied.