Can a New Neighborhood and Ownership Model Solve Our Problems

There are three overlapping crises in the US right now: 

• An epidemic of loneliness. In 2020, 61% of US adults reported feeling lonely. Sociologists and epidemiologists have linked numerous negative mental, emotional, and physical outcomes to loneliness, including depression, suicide, strokes, and overall lowered immune response. 

 

• A lack of affordable housing. In many parts of the country, housing costs have risen faster than wages, making it increasingly difficult for households to afford a decent, safe, and stable place to live. In fact, in 2017, only 11% of newly constructed homes in the US were affordable to middle-income households. (The lack of affordable options is one of the reasons we had to leave Arizona.)

 

• Accelerating global climate change. The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) reports that residential buildings are responsible for about 30% of the country's total greenhouse gas emissions. And typical single family homes are notoriously inefficient in their use of building materials and in their consumption of land and energy. 

One way to mitigate all those crises, is to change the very way we build and inhabit space. By finding and creating new ways to live in closer relationship with our neighbors we can ease our isolation, hold down the costs of rent and mortgages and, consume less stuff and energy. 

Cohousing is one of the best ways to accomplish all three of those objectives. 
Co-housing developments differ greatly in form and design but the common denominator is small private homes/condos for each household with large and abundant shared spaces and amenities. For example, a couple might have its own 900 square foot townhouse that shares walls with their neighbors and have access to a 5,000 ft common house, a workshop, a craft studio, a large garden plot, and a sunny veranda. 

Because the living spaces are small, they are easy to heat and cool and because the community is tight they can reduce the redundancy of belongings like outdoor grills, lawn mowers, and even cars.  Cohousing residents typically lower their carbon footprint by 40 to 70%. This reduction, if widely adopted could have a significant impact on greenhouse gas emissions and help stave off more climate change. 

Because Co housing neighborhoods are designed to attract people into common spaces and to have front doors facing one another, it is much easier to have casual sustaining contact with other human beings. and when times get tough as they did during the covid pandemic, tightly knit neighbors support one another. 

Cohousers also share in the design, maintenance and governance of the community using collaborative and consensus techniques so that everyone is engaged and committed. 

Cohousing communities, if they maintain that commitment to each other and to affordability, can help first-time home buyers make the important transition out of rental housing so that they can build equity and security for their families.

No one thing, no one move will solve all our problems. But for those of us who want to do the most good for ourselves, each other, and the planet, living in cohousing definitely ticks the important boxes. 

For more about cohousing and the progress of our community, subscribe to our newsletter. We promise it will connect you to a vibrant community, good news, great ideas, and help us all ease our climate anxieties and loneliness. ​

,Kelly said, "My life here is so... so unsatisfying."

That simple statement hit me right in the solar plexus. My whole professional life centers on creating meaningful and purposeful opportunities for others, and here was my beloved wife and co-conspirator revealing to me her awful truth. Despite our solid relationship, the roof over our heads, her engaging job, the abundance of food in the pantry, and the rich content on Netflix, my dear friend was deeply unsatisfied. {gah!}

Once I got my breath back, I asked a few questions to understand the scope and origin of Kelly's dissatisfaction. It turns out that where and how we lived had her feeling isolated, adrift, and disconnected. We, like millions of other people, lived in a single-family home in a suburb of spaced-out properties, cul-de-sacs, and closed garage doors. Although we had a stunning view of the Arizona mountains off our back porch, we hardly ever saw our neighbors, and there were no shops or amenities within walking distance. Every bit of our social and cultural life had to be planned and driven to; there were no spontaneous visits or easy conversations on the sidewalk. 

Kelly's dissatisfaction is shared nation-wide. It is so prevalent that public health experts have dubbed it the Loneliness Epidemic. When humans lack easy, regular, and spontaneous connections with other humans, we are deeply, chronically, and negatively affected. Stress hormones increase, blood pressure rises, we don't sleep as well, and we start to have dark thoughts. (Check out this articles from the New York Times for more detail.)

Unfortunately the "American Dream" of moving out of the urban core into a single-family home with a fence to hide the neighbors turns out to be a nightmare, even for my slightly introverted wife. The design and placement of suburban homes seem purpose-built to create isolation, suspicion of others, and that terrible dissatisfaction. 

Kelly and I had already decided to change where we lived from our spread-out western city to the smaller, more urban Utica, NY (primarily for economic and climate reasons). But this revelation that WE were suffering from the Loneliness Epidemic invigorated a search, not just for a different place but a different way to live. Fortunately, we knew about other options.  We knew about cohousing - intentional community living that combines smaller living quarters with big common spaces and balances privacy with meaningful connection. 

Cohousing community design originated in Denmark in the 1960s in response to the changing social and economic landscape of the country. The idea was to create intentional communities designed specifically to help people live together in a way that fostered community, mutual support, and sustainability.

The first cohousing community was established in Denmark in 1972, and since then, the concept has spread to many other countries, including the United States, Canada, Australia, and much of Europe. The basic idea of cohousing is to create a community of people who share common values and who are committed to working together to create a supportive living environment.

Today, cohousing communities vary widely in their size, design, and approach to living. Some communities are small and focused on particular interests, such as eco-villages or intentional communities based on shared spiritual beliefs. Others are larger and more diverse, with a range of ages, backgrounds, and interests represented within the community.

Here are a few examples of suburban, urban, exurban, and infill cohousing communities in the United States:

1. Muir Commons: Located in Davis, California. in the midst of stereotypical suburban sprawl, Muir Commons was one of the first cohousing communities built in the United States in 1991. The community consists of 26 homes, a common house, and shared gardens.
2. Winslow Cohousing: Winslow Cohousing has a more exurban feel due to it's location on Bainbridge Island, Washington. The community consists of 30 homes and a common house. The community is focused on sustainability and features a rainwater collection system, solar panels, and organic gardens.
3. Jamaica Plain Cohousing: Located in Boston, Massachusetts, Jamaica Plain Cohousing is an example of urban cohousing. It consists of several three-story buildings containing 30 homes, a common house, and shared outdoor spaces. The community is committed to diversity and inclusivity, and features a mix of income levels and cultural backgrounds.
4. Quimper Village: Quimper Village is located in Port Townsend, Washington, and consists of 30 homes and a common house. As an intentional 55+ community, it is designed to be accessible and features universal design elements to enable older people to age in place while remaining connected. 
5. Bristol Village Cohousing: An example of infill cohousing, the residents purchased a number of existing homes in a neighborhood, removed the fencing between them and added new construction to create a "village within a village." 

These are just a few examples of the many cohousing communities that exist in the United States. Each community is unique and reflects the values and priorities of its residents.

It turns out there aren't any cohousing communities in Utica... yet! There are, however, plenty of underused lots and under-utilized architectural marvels in our chosen city. Kelly and I are committed to spearheading this project, to gather more people who are ready to live more fully, and, together, build a community where no one is lonely or unsatisfied.  

It was all going so well. 
We had settled into a groove of weekly podcast production. I had standardized the audio production workflow and Kelly had crafted some gorgeous social media templates. We had no trouble securing guests and they all loved being on our show. We were getting really positive feedback from listeners and our listenship had suddenly doubled. 

But something wasn’t right. Something was off. There was, what Kelly describes as “a wobble” between our branding and what we were actually delivering. The “Rocket Feather” name and visuals didn’t tell the true story of what the podcast had become. The name didn’t really honor the beauty and truth that our guests were providing. Something needed to change, and we weren’t about to change the kind of conversations we were having and releasing. 

To be fair to Past Charles and Past Kelly, they had created an enticing name and brand for what they thought they were doing in 2019. Back then, there was lots of zooming energy and shiny newness. There was this delicious tension between the natural world and the attraction of accessible tech. We were loving both our garden and our microphones. Back then, we had the powerful naivete to think our voice is what mattered and that we could tackle all the topics. Bless those kids and their shiny new logo. They didn’t know what was headed their way. 

It wasn’t Covid, exactly 
Right from the start we were having conversations that went way deeper than the typical podcast interview. Tony Himes made us cry in Episode 3 when he facilitated a gestalt experience for us right on the recording. Claire Louge opened up her own beautiful can of pain and healing in Episode 16 when we thought we were there to talk about her nonprofit leadership. 

The emergence of the pandemic and the eruption of pain and protest around George Floyd’s killing did change our podcast. Everything got more important, more consequential. In Episode 35, Hayden Gebler took us into the moment he decided to take a vicious beating so he could leave the white suprmacist gang. While protests were filling the streets in Portland and Phoenix, Rowdy Duncan enlisted us in a collaborative storytelling process that envisioned a future of abundance, health, and peace. 

Our little hobby podcast had become a platform that elevated critical stories and crucial ideas. Guests were telling us they felt brave and open in our presence. Both guests and isteners were telling us that the pod was helping them understand themselves and their relationships better. A community began to form around the podcast. It started to belong to others, not just the two of us. 

Solution
So Kelly and I were feeling the shift of ownership, the change in focus. So we took a couple of cold-brew coffees and a couple of notebooks to the lake. Our original agenda, that caffeinated afternoon, was humble and limited, though. I think the plan was just to work on some new social media templates and languaging; there was no intention to re-brand the whole project. But as the breeze blew off the water and the kayakers came and went, an alignment emerged simply and easily. I think Kelly proposed the new name within minutes. We felt no anguish, nothing but excitement, as the new name and brand emerged. That night Kelly developed the new logo in the time it took me to cook dinner. Something was right about this. 

What’s Happening
So, to be clear, the name of the weekly podcast is now the HERE.together Podcast. The dot between the HERE and the together represents the pause between the two words that emphasizes them both. 

The HERE.together Podcast is part of community of people who are craving: 

• A sense of Connectedness
• A dose of Empathy
• A glimpse of the Way forward
• An opportunity to Engage

We’ll be focusing our attention and our guest list on community, reducing polarization, and increasing justice. Episode will continue to include a call to action - a “science” for everyone to try. Those who listen closely to the Rocket Feather podcast intros might notice that the brand statement leaves out “Healthy Masculinity” and “Permission to Create.” Although those threads will undoubtedly be present in the ongoing conversations, we know we can’t tackle all subjects all the time. Instead, we’ll have to spin off some of this work. (In fact, I’ll be starting a new podcast with Mark Greene, the author of Remaking Manhoon, to wrestle specifically with modern masculinity.)

Rocket Feather Podcast is Gone - Long Live Rocket Feather Creative
Rocket Feather Creative remains the official name of our business on all the relevant state and federal documentation. And it remains the name and brand of our production company. We will continue to produce other podcasts and live streams for our business and nonprofit clients under that name. I will continue to wear my Rocket Feather cap with pride. 

What This Means for You
Although the rebranding is because of you and for you, you don’t have to do much. If you are subscribed to the Rocket Feather Podcast, you’re automatically subscribed to the HERE.together Podcast. No big deal. 

However, we invite you to accept the rebrand as a call to action. The recognition that the podcast is bigger than the two of us, that it belongs to you and is based on a sense of community and purpose puts, frankly, a bit more opportunity and responsibility in your lap. This rebranding calls on you to engage as much as possible with this project to make it lively, relevant, and sustainable. Send us suggestions for guests and topics. Rate and review so others find and listen. Give us feedback about how we can serve the community better. Because we are 100% HERE.together. We might as well get something done.

We are born to screw up. No matter how careful and conscious we are, our clumsy attempts to meet our own needs will combine with our low-grade selfishness and distractibility to cause harm, anger, or frustration for the people around us.

And, because we want to get out of trouble, minimize the damage, and move on, we apologize. We say, “I’m sorry.” We may even do so sincerely. But we notice that the words that we were trained to use from toddler-hood don’t have the magical power we thought they did. The other person is still angry, arms crossed. So we try again with emphasis, “Jeez! I said I was sorry!” Still no good. Partner, sister, or BFF is still hurt and withdrawn.

I’ve made some mistakes in my relationships. I’ve been inattentive, messy, forgetful, and, occasionally, mean or nasty. And I know how quickly I want to get out of the doghouse and back in the good graces. I want to minimize my bad behavior, make it clear that it doesn’t represent me and move on to forgiveness and forgetting as soon as possible. So I apologize quickly.

But I’ve learned how hollow and ineffective apologies are when they come out of my needs to escape shame and blame. All of the apologies that are motivated by my needs are centered on the wrong person. They almost always start with the word “I” and then go on to ask for more emotional work from the person I hurt. “Please understand my intentions, please trust me not to do that again, please forgive ME.”

Fortunately, I’ve found what really works is to apologize with a focus on the person I hurt, attention to their experience and needs, and a determination to lean in and support them. And if you can do the same, even a little bit more, your relationship will repair more quickly, will contain more trust, and be more resilient.

Next time you mess up and realize you hurt or angered someone you care about, go ahead and notice any feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment that come up. Notice any impatience or anxiety that arises. Those feelings make sense - no one except a sociopathic narcissist wants to cause pain or mistrust. Go ahead and validate your own feelings but keep them to yourself. Take a deep breath and ignore them. If you can’t manage this step, go for a walk, talk to a friendly third party, or journal until the intensity of your own defensiveness or fear has lessened.

When you are ready to apologize for the right reason - because you want to understand and be present for the one you hurt - go ahead and give it a try. Then focus on the feelings and needs of the person you hurt. Do your best to make a guess about what happened and how it landed on your friend, sibling or lover. “I’m guessing you’re feeling really X because I did Y. Is that right?”
Your guess might be wrong… you might think your sister is mad because you forgot her birthday when she’s actually really scared about how you swing your niece around the living room. It doesn’t matter that much… In most cases your guess will show your intentions to be present for her and her experience.

When you feel like you understand what is really going on for the other, then you can apologize. “It sounds like it really frightens you when I swing little Josie around the living room. You’re scared I’m going to let go and you imagine her hurtling through the window into the cactus outside. I get it. It would be terrible if Josie got hurt. Thank you for telling me how you feel. I am so sorry what I did scared you. I’ll stop swinging Josie inside.”

Notice that the apology came last, after you made it really clear you understand your sister and her concerns. It doesn’t matter whether you intended to scare her, whether you're sure you have a firm grip on Josie, or whether you think the window is thick enough to prevent Josie from ending up the cactus bed. What matters is that your sister now knows that you know her, that you don’t want her to be scared, and that you are on her side again.
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Next time you mess up, do your best to apologize not because you want to get out of your shame, but because you want to understand the other person and want repair the relationship by leaning in and empathizing. Don’t forget to breathe.
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